So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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