fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
