You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Pappa wants mamma naked
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Did we literally take a cab across the street
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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