Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
