I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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