Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
