I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
