If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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