I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Your cock deserves a montage
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
