i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
