I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Randomize
