Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
