I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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