You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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