butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
