Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
