He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
