You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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