she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize