Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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