I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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