I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
