Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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