6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
