I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
