it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
