oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She bit a glass in half.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Im part way to drunk.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
