Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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