It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Randomize
