You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
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