you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
