please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
