I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
