ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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