Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
