What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize