my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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