also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
