You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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