Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
