YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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