Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
