Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
