Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
