i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
MIDGETS
????
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
