i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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