We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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