Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
