somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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