I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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