Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
