oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
