ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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