Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
