hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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