Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
