Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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