I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
