My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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