btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
