i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Randomize
