"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
