I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
