So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Is it penis luge time yet?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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