So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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