Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Someone came in the potted fern
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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