ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
